Ma koliko se trudio i ma koliko se upinjao da iz zakutaka sjećanja izvuče nešto konkretnije, emotivnije i znakovitije, uvijek mu se pod kapcima prikazivao isti prizor: otac koji mu pokazuje kako da zaveže pertle.
Zapravo, oca tu i nema, ali po maljavim podlakticama on sluti da upravo očevi prsti izvode taj mađioničarski trik.
Ova scena lišena je tona, kako to u pamćenju već često biva, ali sve i da ga ima, on ne bi bio kadar po glasu poznati oca. Ne bi to mogao učiniti ni po mirisu, jer iz sjećanja najprije iščili trag uvučen u nozdrve, zatim se akustične partiture raspadaju u kakofoniju izlomljenih osminki i četvrtinki, a na koncu, i ono što su nekad oči vidjele jasno postaje zamućeno, mrenasto i magličasto.
Iz tog najranijeg sjećanja ostaje mu samo dodir.
Ali, to nije dodir očeve ruke, ne, to nije njegova koža, već kožni jezik obuće. To je dodir napregnutog platna koje djelomično prekriva ris stopala, dodir ulaštene spljoštene tkanine od koje su načinjene pertle.
Tih braonkastih pertli se, začudo, veoma dobro sjeća – pod prstima su bile kao vrh voštanice. I dobro pamti ono što je naučio toga dana.
Decenijama bez greške vezuje pertle, pertla, petlja, upetljava, zapetljava, učvoruje. Ali niko mu nije pokazao kako da razveže svezano, kako da raspetlja spetljano, kako da se oslobodi čvora koji ga steže pod grlom, u prsima, na nogama.
Oca nema, ako ga je ikad i bilo, i on ne zna koga da pita kako se spasiti iz pritegnutih omči koje su posvuda.
Oca nema i on nema koga da optuži za svoj hendikep narastao iz laži koju su mu usadili još dok je bio dječačić: ne brini za odvezivanje, to ćeš lako.
Kakva strašna zabluda, kakva grozna obmana, pomišlja dok žmireći leži sklupčan u kišnom sumraku sobe.
Sve si radio pogrešno, oče.
Tebi kome je oduvijek vezivanje predstavljalo nepremostiv problem, tebi je možda vezivanje pertli bilo najizazovniji zadatak koji si pred mene mogao da staviš. I kad sam ga savladao, mislio si da sam spreman za život.
Ali, ništa nije prostije od vezivanja. Istinski poduhvat je osloboditi se.
* Objavljeno u Beogradskom književnom časopisu, jesen-zima, br. 62-63, 2021/22.
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